my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
three things we don’t talk about
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
