my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Gods work.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell