hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.