My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Found the job I’m suited for
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
this has done me in for some reason
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”