My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
You Might Also Like
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Why I divorced her.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
