My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.