My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
*cough*
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
A classic…
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?