@StephenBCramer

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

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@EvilPandaX

I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

@CroweJam

The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@clindsaysway

Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing

@hatehug

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

@AustinSommer

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions