My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second