Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

This one, by a wide margin

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead