Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Midwest trash talk

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.