My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Has science gone too far?
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”