My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Same pineapple, same
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
🔥🔥
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship