Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Don’t talk down to me

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.