My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
You Might Also Like
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
due date
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”