Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

She might be a genius

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Happy thanksgiving!

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.