Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you like your Corgi?

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Erm I’m gonna say no

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?