My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.