Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Time heals everything 🙂

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

welp

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.