Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

Only Americans understand

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.