Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach