My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Now colored!
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”