My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
October already? What’s next? November????
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Room with a view.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.