My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
You Might Also Like
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
