My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
excuse me
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”