My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Ain’t no way
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
never forget
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us