my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”