Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Don’t snitch tag.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

can’t catch a break