Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.