Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

We all have our pet causes.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

live, laugh, laundry.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.