my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing