my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
You Might Also Like
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.