Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

not seeing the problem

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine