Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?