My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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the dark web is just a goth google.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
