Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Banana is the quietest snack

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers