My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Weirdly Wednesday.