Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

The French cow says MEUX…

Priorities

Candles never taste the way they smell

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything