Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.