Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

TEETH IS INNOCENT

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*