My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.