My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
For anyone who needs this today
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.