Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is