My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The best shot in the history of golf
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?