My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Tuesday
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes