Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

That’s it.I’m out.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Thank you corporation very cool

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.