My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.