My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.