my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again