my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books