Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
S M O L