@tracietom

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

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@dankashane20

Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.

@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@Parentpains

Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is