Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Squirrels before girls.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.