my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Breaking news:
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower