my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
No.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
mood
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes