My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]