My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
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4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Optional boss fight.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.