My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
You Might Also Like
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
this will hang in the louvre one day
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.