My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇