My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
adding to the discourse
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …