Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

incredible text to wake up to

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi