My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.