My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.