My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
It’s that simple 👊🏻
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.