My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house