My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”