My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I stand by it
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date