My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.