My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!