My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Basically.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!