My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.