My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great


The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.


911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.


I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…


Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?


As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.


My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.


A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.


me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*


The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.