Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth