Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots